first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
