i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
nutella sex= disaster
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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