Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
time to smoke my breakfast
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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