I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
