I just saw a hot homeless man
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
