Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
