everyone is single if you try hard enough
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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