The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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