In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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