I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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