how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
