you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
