I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
