its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
