I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
