I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
