it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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