the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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