Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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