I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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