i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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