We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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