Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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