I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
