i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
