girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
