how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
