I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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