There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
