remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
