Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
