So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
