This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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