I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
