Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
