Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
