If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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