When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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