Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
