Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
