my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
false alarm. still invincible.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
