u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
