he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he was CRYING into my vagina
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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