A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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