We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
