I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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