I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
