You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
