I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
