when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
