All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
