Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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