how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
