I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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