My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
why do cheetos always look like penises
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
