go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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