so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
