he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I smell like Dick and happiness
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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