I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
