i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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