does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
